Knowing how to quit gossiping seems easy in theory—but actually doing it is a whole different story. Sure, most of us claim to hate the drama, and deep down we’re probably well aware that talking shit isn’t the healthiest hobby. But that doesn’t always stop us from dishing…or even using it to bond with others.
“By default, we are social beings,” says Fanny Tristan, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of Restority Space in New York City. “We talk about other people”—and this urge to spill tea doesn’t always come from terrible, attention-seeking intentions. Maybe you’re venting about a friend who bailed on your plans (again), and before you know it, you’re dropping all kinds of details about other times they’ve let you down.
Where it gets really messy, though, is when gossip stops being about your frustration and starts resembling a Mean Girls-style takedown of another person. Like…when you’re speculating about why that one coworker got passed over for a promotion—and suddenly, you’ve come up with running theories about their “bad attitude.” Or when a certain couple’s cheesy, try-hard Instagram posts become weekly entertainment for your group chat. Not only do these digs come off, well, mean, but “this cycle of being a hater can affect the trust in your relationships too,” Tristan adds. If you’re known for talking shit about others, what’s stopping your loved ones from wondering if you do the same behind their backs?
In a perfect world, we’d all be kind and stay in our lanes. But realistically, learning how to quit gossiping altogether isn’t just hard—it’s kind of impossible. Talking about others (both positively and negatively) is a biologically human way of bonding and making sense of our relationships. As in, we evolved to share social information because it was once important to our survival: Who can we trust? Who should we avoid? So instead of aiming to go cold turkey, the next best thing you can do is find ways to make your gossip less mean-spirited, less habitual, and, ideally, a whole lot less toxic. Here’s how.
1. Talk with a purpose
Not all gossip is created equal. Ranting because you’re genuinely upset or confused is way more productive than bad-mouthing out of boredom, say, or just to poke fun. So before blurting out a, “Wait, did you hear about…,” says Ingrid Helander, LMFT, a couples therapist based in West Hartford, Connecticut, “you can pause and ask yourself: Why am I sharing this? And is it out of goodwill?”
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Depending on your goal, you can intentionally choose less gossipy language. Do you want advice? In that case, say something more like, “I can’t believe she said that to me. How do you think I should handle this situation?” If validation and emotional support are what you’re after, “I heard my manager made someone cry last year…. I’m trying not to spiral, but it’s making me so anxious.”
That’s not to say you always need a noble purpose. Maybe you’re out for intel about a person you barely know out of curiosity or admiration, which, sure, is kind of nosy, but it’s not nearly as hurtful as, say, talking smack about an easy target to make them look bad or deflect attention from your own insecurities. The point is, a little intention can encourage you to think twice before gossiping, Helander says, and prevent your conversation from slipping into cruel, purposeless trash talk.
2. Choose your confidante wisely
You heard so-and-so aren’t friends anymore—and you’re dying to tell anyone. Or that one pal ruined girls’ night out with their sloppy, drunk antics and you can’t keep it to yourself. Ideally, you’d skip the gossip. But if you must indulge, it’s at least better to share your commentary with someone who will keep your conversation private and offer a balanced perspective, not just stir the pot.
Too often, “We complain to someone just because they’re easy to complain to,” Helander says. Whether it’s a scandal-obsessed pal who lives for the chaos or a group of coworkers you’re hoping to impress with juicy intel, choosing the wrong confidante can turn your confession into unnecessary drama.
If you’re dying to get the details of two high school sweethearts’ unexpected divorce off your chest, a close hometown bestie who you trust won’t blab is probably a better choice than, say, an oversharing acquaintance you barely know. Or maybe your sister’s the kind of person who can let you rant (and call you out when you’re doing too much) without throwing in any harsh judgment or critical jabs.
3. Focus on the behaviour, not their character
Saying “he’s so desperate” or “she’s so annoying” comes across as harsh and judgmental. Instead, both experts agree your gossip is less likely to cross into cruel territory when you keep it focused on what they did—not who they are.
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That might look like calling out someone’s inconsiderate actions (“It’s pretty shocking that she wore such a pale pink dress to her own best friend’s wedding”) without attacking their entire character or making assumptions (“She’s so desperate for attention—it was basically white, and she knew it!”). Or you can pop off about your coworker’s passive-aggressive tendencies (“He kept interrupting me during the meeting, and it pissed me off!”) instead of labeling them a “total narcissist.” “It’s about pinpointing the action versus slandering the person and defining them by one behaviour,” Tristan says—which helps keep your gossip more surface-level, neutral and less targeted.
4. Put a time cap on your gab sessions
Some of us could easily spend an entire brunch or late-night phone call rehashing hours of “he said…then she said…”—which, as Tristan points out, isn’t the most valuable use of your time. So one simple way to avoid going on and on (and on) is setting a time limit.
No, you don’t have to use a literal stopwatch. What we mean is just mentally capping your gossip sesh (though if an actual timer helps, feel free). For instance, give yourself until your appetisers arrive to talk about that mutual friend who keeps getting back with their cheating ex. Or spill the juicy tidbits you’re dying to let out (“Did you see XYZ lost their job? I wonder what happened”), then move on. The key is being aware of how long you’re lingering on someone else’s life. When that’s the only thing you and your loved ones can bond over, it won’t bring you closer to each other—it’ll simply create a cycle of petty judgment.
5. Don’t share screenshots
Circulating screenshots of messages and social media posts has become second nature for some folks, but it’s a pretty unhealthy habit worth breaking for a few reasons, Helander says. For one, inviting others to weigh in on a private conversation is a major breach of trust. Even if you’re just hoping for a neutral party to interpret a confusing message, “The act of sharing screenshots leaves everyone vulnerable to having them seen or shared again,” she points out.
Not to mention, zeroing in on the exchange verbatim is more likely to lead to overanalysing every word than truly gaining clarity. You’re better off summarising what happened—that way, you can still share your POV while being respectful of someone’s privacy.
6. Get into the habit of putting empathy before gossip
Chances are, you’re not trying to be mean. A snarky jab at someone’s awkward thirst traps or casual theories about why they left your group chat seem like silly, harmless comments. But if you really want to quit gossiping, even those throwaway moments deserve a closer look.
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Simply put, talking about anyone behind their back (in a way you wouldn’t to their face) is unkind—and according to Tristan, leading with more empathy and curiosity is a necessary step to break this common habit. You can start by asking yourself, ‘Why do I even care?’ So what if your college classmate suddenly pivoted from finance to fitness influencing or one of your friends got a terrible haircut? “It’s almost like that ‘let them live’ kind of mentality,” Tristan says. “You don’t need to centre yourself in someone else’s life.”
Instead of defaulting to judgment or mockery, both therapists also recommend getting a little curious. Maybe that wannabe influencer didn’t quit their 9-to-5 because they’re self-absorbed—what if they’re simply chasing a dream that makes them happy? And consider if the roles were reversed: Would you want others tearing apart or mocking your life choices? (Probably not!)
Gossip may feel satisfying for a second, but that jolt of connection or superiority rarely lasts. There’s so much more you can talk about—your own life, the latest Netflix series…literally anything else that doesn’t rely on using someone else’s drama for your entertainment.
This article first appeared on self.com
